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04Sep 13

The Fear

You know what I’m talking about.. the one where you think that if you admit to how you feel, that someone will come and take away the children because you thinkl that you can’t function daily without crying, shouting or feeling like you are going to lose your mind. The  fear that many who suffer post natal depression/anxiety/psychosis have and no matter what anyone says, the fear.. the little voice that grows bigger and bigger each day which takes over logic and reason, talks to you and gets louder and louder until you can’t think of anything else.

Its the feeling that convinces you that there is no way out, the days might be sunny and bright but all you feel from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep, is nothing.. that there will always be this emptiness and loss of enthusiasm. You don’t see the colors in anything,smell of the flowers, the happiness in people, the tastes in food, just nothing and numbness…no hope, no future,no anything. Its terrifying not to feel but the thought of telling anyone paralyzes you with fear. Its a vicious circle and one that you can’t see an end to.

You see the doctors and they prescribe you the pills, your family ask “have you taken your meds today”? Its out of love and concern but paranoia twists and turns this like an evil monster, turning and churning the thoughts, making you feel sick to your stomach. You think that everyone is talking about you, calling you an unfit mother, why did you decide to have another child when you were so bad the first time? Selfish ,silly,bad parent. You curse them and you curse yourself.

However, on the outside people are unaware because you an expert on masking it well.

 

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About Coping with postnatal depression…

Hi, my name is Angeline and I am mum to two kids, ages 6 months and 6 yrs. I had postnatal depression with both kids and prenatal depression with one. I have decided to write about my experience in order to help break stigmas relating to perinatal mental health, and actively campaign to see changes to services available for both men and women.

I am open and honest about my experience and, although it was a very dark time in my life, I want people to know that you can overcome this and there is light on those dark days.